We all attach ourselves to whatever frequency is pulsating our names, be it the one we were given, or the one we chose. I chose Alizarin Rose for myself in 2004, though my given name Is Jenifer Rose McCann, and I have always gone by Rose.
I am a paintress first, you see, and Alizarin Crimson is a colour that I paint with often. It’s this deep translucent red colour that I love to use when I express the hair on the women I obsessively paint, who are generally set among those barren winter trees that I love so much, holding that hearburst that is my brand, and is almost always there as well.
It goes without saying that everything I create is an expression of my inner world, and the women I draw, and paint are an expression of me more so than they are a true to life portrait. I paint these things because I don’t know how to paint anything else but myself, and this world within my head that I inhabit. Seldom am I completely with you in your world. I can’t be. I don’t feel belong there. My paintings are like my writing; I only write about myself because I am all that I know and this mess of a life that is mine is complicated and confusing and full of mystery that I seek to discover. Like Frida, I examine myself because I am so often alone.
This frequency that pulsates our names, it’s not new, it was there all along. It is, to me, this unseen, but very much felt spectrum of colours, sounds, and shapes, that glides in a continuous loop above our heads and within our hearts, and it is made of all these threads that are in turn made of smaller threads, and so on, that are all connected, and each section is a part of a gradient that is different from whatever was before, or after, but it’s important to remember that before and after mean nothing to a circle, because it always begins where it ends, and it never ends, it just keeps circling, and calling out our names.
As artists we reach up and within and we take a piece of this looping ethereal fabric, and we become entwined within the weave of what inspiration is, and some of us take sections that are close to each other, and this is what creates art movements within a generation of artists, thus giving a voice to those who, for whatever reason, have no voice with which to express our shared human experiences. As artists it is our job to share with others this voice of compassionate understanding, it is our job to give a voice to those who have no voice, it is our job to shine a light because we are beacons of passion and understanding, and ultimately, we belong to the world, and as we create, and share our art, we inspire others, thus catching them up in this cycle of inspiration.
Sometimes we let go of one section, and take up another. Always we bring things forward in the minds of other individuals who are disposed to listening, and observing, thus setting them on their own paths of discovery and healing. Art is all about sharing these discoveries, and connecting the larger outer world to our deeper inner worlds, and whatever it is that lives there, and always we must expand and grow, and facilitate this in others or we have not done our jobs as artists, because if I can keep one lonely individual alive by writing the things I write, and painting the things I paint, then I have done everything that I was meant to do as an artist, and I want you to know that I love you, whoever you are.
I am generally a very lonely person, no matter what the circimstances of my life. I always have been. As I write this, I will be 37 years old on the 25th of February, 2016, and I suspect that I will always feel lonely and isolated, no matter who I love, or who is loving me in return. Absolutely I am bitter, and that’s okay, other people are bitter too. This loneliness, and bitterness that I feel is an integral part of who I am as an artist at this point in my life, but it does not keep me from laughing, or loving, or living me life, and I certainly won’t allow it to make me hateful, or defeat me. Instead, it drives me to search myself, and to create, and to reach out to others for support, and to support them in return.
This loneliness I feel that sits in the backseat, and sometimes drives is where nearly everything that I create comes from. Perhaps that is the thread I cling to within that ethereal loop of inspiration that is within, and without every artist, no matter what kind of art is being created, but I’m not really sure. I’m not really sure about any of this, it’s just how I feel in this moment, and I had to tell you all about it, because maybe you’ve been thinking the same thing.
All I can be sure of is that I am here now, and if anyone reading this has ever felt like I do, and I know that so many of you do, then it must be that our names, our hearts, our minds, and our souls, are pulsating on similar frequencies, making similar sounds, and shining in similar colours. We are tuning in on each other, and though we may feel alone, we are not alone, and we can all sing about this together, because there is nothing sweeter than feeling you are understood by a stranger who speaks fluently your language of love.